What is polyamory and how to find it?

If you’ve never quite understood the idea of being tied down to one person your whole life, polyamory could be what you’re looking for. It’s a very different way to do relationships and sex that is becoming more and more common and accepted.

It can be hard to wrap your head around. After all, we’re told by society to find a partner, settle down, and they’re the one person you should have sex with your whole life. Is that your idea of hell?

Whilst there’s plenty of people now avoiding the idea of marriage and a relationship for life, polyamory goes one step further and has multiple partners for a long time. If that sounds appealing, we’re going get deeper into it.

We’re going to be looking at:

• What polyamory is
• How a polyamorous relationship works
• How to create a polyamory relationship

So you can decide for yourself if it’s the lifestyle for you.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is when you choose to love and be in relationships with more than one person at the same time. Everyone in the relationship is fully aware of the situation, which is based on honesty and non-possessiveness.

Whilst a lot of people are probably drawn to the idea of having regular sex with more than one person, it’s not all about the sex. There are usually strong bonds and polyamory is definitely about love over sex.

Is polyamory the same as ethical non-monogamy?

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy but not all ethically non-monogamous relationships are polyamorous. Sound like something out of your SATs? It’s not quite so difficult.  

If you’ve been active on sex and dating apps in the last few years, you’ll probably have come across the concept of ethical non-monogamy. This is when a person can be in a committed, long-term relationship and still have sex with other people.

It can also be a person being open with the people they’re having sex with and saying that there will be other people.

What makes ethical non-monogamy different is love – polyamory is about being in loving relationships with more than one person. On the flip side, ethical non-monogamy can be more sexual and less about feelings.

How do polyamorous relationships work?

Every polyamorous relationship will be different – we all live and love differently, after all.

The main thing to know about polyamory is that the relationships are built on honesty. Each person in the relationship is aware of the dynamics and how their situation works.

There are lots of different types of polyamory, here’s some of the main phrases you might come across if you decide to follow this lifestyle

The triad, or throuple

Probably the polyamorous relationship you’ll have seen a lot in the media and in documentaries on the subject, there are three people in a triad. It doesn’t have to be a circular relationship – one person can date two people who know about each other but aren’t romantically involved.

The quad

Next up from the triad is the quad, with four people involved in the relationship. This can be any make up:

• One person dating three people
• A couple both dating another person each
• Two couples romantically linked to each other

Polycule

When there is a wider network of people romantically involved with each other, this is called a polycule. Think of it like an interconnected web. People in a group can mingle with each other and there may be solid, long-term relationships between people as the basis.

Is there a hierarchy in polyamory?

Some polyamorous relationships can be hierarchical, whilst others can be completely equal across people.

It’s possible that one relationship will be primary. This may be the original couple who got together before seeking to bring other people in. This relationship may get priority in terms of time spent or the bigger home or bedroom, for example.

A secondary relationship will have less importance and priority that the primary. This could be in terms of commitment or time spent with each other.

Every set up will be different and you’ll need to understand and even set up the dynamics of any relationship you choose to enter into.

How do I find a polyamorous relationship?

Sounds appealing? If you’re interested in going poly, the first thing you need to do is talk to your partner, if you have one already. It can be a complicated life so both people in a partnership need to be on board.

As a solo person looking to be a third in a relationship, think about what your boundaries are. What you are and aren’t willing to accept? This can be in terms of sex and the overall relationship.

Next, it’s time to find people.

The dating app OkCupid is one of the common places people go to find polyamorous partners. It has a lot of options that make it easier, such as a field to display if you’re interested in non-monogamous relationships.

You can also link your account to a partner so you can show your potential third partner who you’re already involved with.

Other dating apps can also be a successful place to go looking. Apps where you’d look for a unicorn for your sex life can also yield long-term polyamory partners.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a type of relationship and way of life with more than two people being romantically involved in the long-term. It’s not a set up to enter into lightly, but can be a really successful way to have a happy relationship.

If your sex drives don’t match or something else is holding you back from meeting your partner’s needs, it could be an answer that helps you stay together. We don’t all want and need the same thing. Getting it from more than one person can work out well for lots of people.